Little White Kitten

            Good to see you again.

That awful smothering warmth was over me again, breathing softly with the faintest sounds of a purr. She squirms hopelessly as my fingers clutch her scruff and lift her off my face and eye her. This time her fur is a sterile white with grey-blue eyes. The pupils grow wide as she gives her pleading look. The white her is more innocent than the grey or the black, but I still know not to trust.

            You’re being too rough!

            I plop her onto my chest and she sits with her ears low with a hurt look. I am lying in dust; gentle breezes from nowhere in particular pick up the dust and shift it about lazily. The sky is that brilliant color of dusk, but the sun is behind me. She means to win this time. I can feel it.

            You’ll sit up, won’t you?

            I begin to sit up, but it was only because the hard ground began to harm my back. She has no hold on me. She tumbles backward into my lap and struggles to rebalance herself. She isn’t cute, no matter how hard she tries to convince me. We’ve been at this too long, and I know better. She licks her paw with a tiny pink tongue.

            This place is so boring… Wouldn’t you rather be elsewhere?

            The dust spans onward forever. Flat, brown, and dull. Just behind I can hear the shifting grasses, the splashing of waves on the rocks, sounds of wildlife and magic things. In the corners of my eye shadows of unknown curiosities flit just out of sight. The things of someplace better than what I saw now. I do not look back. She looks up at me confused.

            You prefer looking out at all this? Come now, the sun is so pretty on the waves.

           

            I do not look. The dust is fine. I can stare for an eternity. I have done it before. She stretches and flexes her claws with a silent yawn.

            Why are you always this boring? So much beauty and you ignore it.

            I’m tired of this too, but neither of us can afford to lose. More sounds call me, beg my eyes to behold them. The images at the edge of my sight dance more and more, crying for attention. I can see her weakening as she struggles to put on these miracles I do not dare turn to.  We went on for yet another eternity, and I did not look.

            I can see you struggling. Can you tolerate this? Are you that disciplined?

            I am. She should now. I’m as hard as she is devious.

            Is it worth this? We go on for so long, every time you dream. How old you have grown since we began.

            It had been a long time. Longer than I dared think of…

            I watch you when you are awake too, you know. You just struggle to stay awake until sleep takes you. Why work to stay alive if you are not living?

            These hours were tormenting, but worse were those when I was awake. Filled with anticipation for my next meeting with her.

            I can’t make you turn from me, you know that. Only you can end this.

            I am in control of this, had always been. But is that a good thing?

            I’ll ask again. Is it worth it?

            She napped on my lap now. The images and sounds were gone, she was tired as I was. But she would recover, and it would go on. I stood, and she was on the ground, looking up with her eyes, still innocent.

            I turn slowly. All that remains is the sunset, but it is still gorgeous. She lets me enjoy it awhile before she takes me. The teeth in my neck and the claws dragging down my back are a blessing release.