I
see lots of beautiful girls every day. Everywhere. It’s amazing. I’m like, walking down the street,
right? And there’s this girl, and she’s got hair like a mermaid and her lips
are the exact shade of bacon I had for breakfast and I really just want to be
all like, “You’re sexy, I’m a pretty hot guy, we should do something about
that. Right now. Hardcore… hardcore.”
But
then she sees me looking at her or something and makes this face like I’m not
worth her time or some shit. So I keep walking. But it’s not like I’m obsessed
with women or anything. I just like my women like I like my snack food.
Everywhere and all the time. With lots of variety. But more accessible. My
women, that is. Me and snack food get along just fine, but that’s beside the
point.
So
point is, I’m at this café with my girlfriend. I guess I use the term kinda
loosely here; she’s this chick who I thought liked me like two weeks ago
because she would always check me out whenever I stared at her through
mouthfuls of bagel at work during lunch break but I’m pretty sure she only goes
out with me now because her ex isn’t jealous enough. Or something. Anyway, she
gets some orange juice and gazes into the distance like she’s looking at
something interesting. I look at the straw sitting between her lips and follow
the red stripes down. Oh, yeah.
“Baby-“
I start to say something really smooth to seduce her.
“Don’t
call me baby.” She cuts me off like she’s not at all impressed. She brushes
through a cinnamon curl with her finger, trying to play hard to get.
“Sure,
baby.” I smile because my jokes are freaking hilarious. And because she looks a
little on edge and might need someone special to cheer her up.
“I’m
leaving.” She got up and left. Just like that. After I stopped being stunned, I
got up and started to follow her. I knew where she lived. I stopped on the way
and got her three yellow roses that reminded me of her skirt or something.
I knocked on her door. It opened. “Hey
babe- I know your sad and I’ve always thought of myself as your hero and I just
want to be there for you.”
She
pushed that door shut after looking at me like I was a gremlin holding a
lollipop. And that was it. I was so in love with her and she decided I meant
nothing and hadn’t saved her from depression or whatever. Just like that.
Sage
7-24-12
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