Reflection

“Really, he’s not worth this. I know that’s what everyone says but seriously this time, it’s totally true. He treated you so badly. And honestly sweetie, you should have more self respect. You can’t expect anyone to respect you if you don’t view yourself the way you want them to. People can see by the way you treat yourself you know, they can tell by looking at you that you have no self esteem. It’s pathetic.”

“Woah there, that’s a little harsh don’t you think?”

“What? Oh.. sorry. I um, what I meant was I just want you to be happy that’s all. I’m sorry I went off like that. I don’t know why I said that I ju-”

“Don’t worry about it. Look I don’t want to talk about it anymore, ok?  Hey, listen, wanna go get some ice cream? Hey, did you hear me? I asked if you wan-”

“Ice cream. Right, sorry I’m out of it. Umm, no actually I have a doctors appointment, I have to head home. You take care of yourself though okay? You know I always tell you that the only person that can make think you’re worth less than you are is yourself.”

“I know, I know, and if everyone had your self confidence that would be some kick ass advice.”

“Oh shuttup” She laughed loudly then pulled her friend in for a hug and kissed the top of her head - “I’ll call you okay? Love you!”

She walked to the edge of the block, pulled out her cell phone and pressed it to her ear. She stood that way for a few minutes till she was sure her friend had turned down the other end of the street. She slipped her phone back into her bag and began to walk aimlessly past the intimidating suburban houses, her friends words turning in circles in her head “If everyone had your self confidence”, she had laughed when her friend had said that. Too loudly. Probably to disguise the uncomfortable twitch that had run through her spine, or the irony that had flooded her eyes upon hearing the words.

She wanted to laugh again now, try to disguise the darkness from herself. Instead she dug her nails into her skin and waited for the pain to absorb the  buzzing and confusion filling the spaces behind her eyes. She squeezed them shut and kept walking. Passed the perfectly trimmed lawns all the way to the creek in the back of the park. She sat with her feet in the water staring up at the sky.

It was so big, so open. So much bigger than her tiny suburban community with it’s expensive sports cars and it’s pretentious, over bearing parents who sent their children to school like classrooms were factories that churned out persons who were younger versions of their parents with bank accounts that made up for their lack of imagination. 

Deep breaths. Long inhalations of the atmosphere she detested. She leaned over, looked deep into the water at her own reflection “If everyone had your self confidence...” She shook her head, and rapped her arms around her torso, as if she were protecting it... or covering it up.. maybe both. 

After a few seconds, or maybe a few minutes, maybe an hour, she stood up. Walked over to the trash can nestled between the tree roots at the edge of the park. She reached into her bag and took out the untouched lunch bag her mother had packed her that morning, she dropped it.

Then she turned around and walked home.

“Hey sweetie, where were you? Your father and I were worried.”

“Oh, I went and got some ice cream with my friends.”